How Far Do We Go To Get Approval From Others?

We all like to know that the people around us value and approve of the way we are and the choices we make. This need for approval is not a weakness. In fact, it is quite healthy as long as we maintain a balance that guarantees the independence of our actions and decisions. However, if getting approval from others does not guarantee independence, then we have a problem.

We all need to feel that we are cared for, appreciated, encouraged and supported. This addiction constitutes a healthy need. In fact, satisfying it in a healthy way helps us to be more autonomous at certain moments.

This is what interdependence is, which involves both giving and receiving. This is necessary for our survival, as well as the survival of our relationships. However, this is not always the case. This is when the over-dependence increases. There is basically a strong need to get approval from others.

When we direct most of our energy towards pleasing others to get their approval, we enter a dangerous cycle. Being over-dependent can make us feel empty, inadequate, lost, confused and insignificant.

When the goal is to get approval from others

To better understand ourselves as adults, it is important to analyze some aspects of our childhood. The first influencing factor is the way we received approval and disapproval from our parents and caregivers. This can be closely related to what we do to get approval or avoid disapproval. Somehow, our brains can end up programmed with behaviors that defend us from the failures of others. This can therefore damage our current conditions.

The defenses we created in childhood when we felt that our caregivers did not love or care enough about us were probably very helpful at the time. But from now on, these defenses make it difficult for us to build new relationships based on trust and intimacy. Ironically, these same defenses can keep us from gaining confidence.

What do we do to avoid disapproval?

We tend to function inadequately when we try to seek approval from other people. These dysfunctional behaviors sabotage us without us even realizing it. According to Dr. Leon D. Seltzer, there are some dysfunctional ways to avoid disapproval:

You are a perfectionist or always push yourself to do better to get approval

This dysfunctional behavior makes you feel obligated to try to make everything as perfect as possible. This way of trying to avoid people’s disapproval has nothing to do with the pursuit of perfection (which can be healthier and more selective) or the motivation to be better. This attitude makes you feel that being good enough is not enough. So when you feel that you are not the best, you automatically conclude that you are not good enough.

Being the best version of yourself does not mean you are the best at everything. Or maybe it does. The thing is, you can not figure it out if you do not stop focusing your efforts on being what others expect you to be (or what you think they expect from you).

You avoid starting a project where you may fail

If mistakes are extremely related to your parents’ failure or rejection, you may also be reluctant to start a new project where success cannot be guaranteed. This aversion to risk may have arisen in childhood or in other situations where you decided to take a risk and did not get the expected results.

It is important to remember that successful people succeed because they are not afraid to fail. In fact, they take advantage of it because they know it is the first step towards success.

You keep a “safe” distance from others

If in your childhood you gave up trying to get approval from your parents because nothing ever helped you feel attached to them, you have probably reached a point where you deny the need for emotional attachment. Automatically keeping away from others tends to be something we learn from our experiences over the years.

If you did not get the support and approval you needed when you were a child, it is likely that you have confidence issues now. Your instinct to protect your ego will force you to keep others at a distance. As a consequence, you will not be able to feel closely connected to anyone. In fact, anger is the most used type of defense mechanism when it comes to keeping others away.

You are a very satisfied and co-dependent person

This fourth dysfunction behavior consists of having a complacent and co-dependent attitude. If you learned to put the thoughts and needs of others before your own, you will probably continue to do the same when you grow up.

With the complacent and co-dependent behavior, you take more responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of others than your own. If you used to put your needs first when you were a child and it was not accepted by your parents, you will probably think that others will reject you if you put yourself first as an adult.

Some final thoughts on getting approval from others

If you have seen yourself reflected in any of these listings, it is time that you really think about what you are doing that keeps you from feeling satisfied and happy. You cannot change the past, but you have control over your present and your future. You can restart your brain. If you find that you can not do it alone, ask for help.