The Invalidating Family: An Obstacle To Personal Development

The invalidating family is the one who stops or hinders the personal development of its members. It implements a number of mechanisms that end up creating uncertainty. It undermines the self-esteem of family members for what each one is capable of doing, and as a result, it creates a sense of inadequacy that hinders personal growth.

We all know that the family is our most basic social core. In this core, people learn to relate to other people. We learn the patterns that this core transmits to us, and these help us relate to other environments.

When it comes to the invalidating family, the patterns of behavior learned are incorrect. We learn to live our lives full of anxiety and guilt. Families like this invalidate members in so many different ways. Family members usually have great difficulty adapting to other environments later in life, which is why you often find them still living at home even when they have grown up.

The invalidating family and overprotection

One of the most common mechanisms in the invalidating family is overprotection. There is excessive emphasis on removing the person from any danger. It is based on the idea that the world is full of threats. They explain that extreme prevention and protection measures must be taken to avoid falling victim to one of them.

What lurks behind that parenting style is anxiety, addiction and low self-esteem. Anxiety generates imaginary fear and guilt. Parents do not want their children to suffer, and are afraid that they will be harmed if they are given responsibility. However, this does not lead to happy children. In fact, they turn out quite the opposite. It is the summary of an invalidating family.

The people who grow up in such a family do so with a sack that is little by little filled with fear. Just leaving the house scares them, to a greater or lesser degree. The most serious of all is that they are unable to identify the resources they have in themselves to meet difficulties or achieve their goals. That’s what parents are for. They are the ones who know.

Extreme dependence and superiority

The invalidating family overprotects due to an underlying anxiety. But at the same time, it sends an implicit message of superiority. I can do it, you can not. The family wants to protect you, you can not protect yourself. In this way, there are very strong ties of addiction, and very low self-efficacy and self-confidence.

After all , many parents who practice this type of upbringing have found that their children are a pretext for not having to think about their own problems. They make their children’s problems their own, because they often seem easier to solve. We are talking here about people who carry a heavy burden of frustration and emptiness. Their children give them an excuse to always postpone the conversation they should have with themselves.

This is why they prolong children’s dependence on them as much as possible. This is one of the mechanisms by which the invalidating family is created. If things continue like this, the children will have a hard time leaving the nest, if they leave at all. They will also need the family time and time again for almost everything that happens in life.

An evil circle

It is not easy to break through the fence erected by an invalidating family. One of the reasons for this is that people do not want to admit that their family environment is extremely unhealthy. The parents build the idea that the family does everything for the good of their children, and the children end up believing that this is true. So much sacrifice, so much care. It is often very difficult to understand that this is completely unhealthy, and “love” is actually quite meaningless.

Those who are part of an invalid family often become very insecure and very stubborn at the same time. They have a low tolerance for frustration, and it is therefore difficult for them to set goals and achieve them, despite the adversity. They generally feel inferior to others and very often make themselves victims. This is because they have been so overprotected in their family environment.

The only way out of the vicious circle of an invalidating family is by learning from the patterns our parents have given us. Which is much easier said than done. The individual must break with a structure that the people he loves most have created, and where he feels good and safe. The idea of ​​facing their fears without this protective environment seems awful to them. They consider it an act of ingratitude to those who have protected them, and to take unnecessary dangers.

Since they do not have the support of the family to do this, they often look for support in a therapist or in someone else who compensates for their lack of self-confidence. But they have to be careful so that the whole circle does not start all over again. Yes, asking for help is an important first step. But that help should be aimed at giving us a strong foundation in life, so that we can stand on our own two feet.