The Family’s Influence On Our Self-esteem

The formation of our self-confidence derives  (in part)  from the dynamics of the family in which we grew up. It is a legacy that leaves marks, and they are sometimes difficult to heal. Especially if it comes from a father or mother who never loved herself, and who was not adept at meeting our needs, giving encouragement, or having personal conversations.

There is no shortage of psychologists who say that in order to function in life, our “self-confidence tank” must be full or on the verge of overcrowding. Whether we like it or not, there are few “fuels” that give us so much determination, confidence and a sense of competence. However, we know very well that we often go through life with an almost completely empty tank. Our levels are so low that it is almost impossible to restart the engine and overcome this problem.

The famous cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead explained something very important to us. She claims that the family is the first social group where our way of interacting determines who we are (or at least a good part of it). Our parents are those who have a duty and responsibility to fill our “tank” with sufficient nutrients and rich components. They should make sure that there is no lack of security, affection and attention. They should provide the important encouragement and drive that will help us walk through this world with a sense that we are valuable people.

But on the tiring path towards the formation of our self-confidence, we do not always have this fuel quality. This inevitably leads us to try to discover who we are. And at the same time we are trying to repair the childhood that was missing so much important.

The formation of our self-confidence and the connection with our parents

The formation of our self-confidence begins in childhood. But does this mean that our character is determined by everything we have experienced in our childhood and early youth? We should point out that the word ” determinism ” in psychology, as in many other sciences, is dangerous and has deep undertones.

In psychological matters , everything that happens in childhood has a great influence, but it does not completely determine who we are. One thing we know about humans, and especially the brain, is that our flexibility and ability to improve is enormous. Despite this, we cannot avoid the great significance of our upbringing. The quality of the interaction with those who care about us is very important. They not only provide food and nourishment, but also an emotional and educational legacy.

To be emotionally connected

To delve deeper into these topics, we would recommend the writings of Dr. Ed Tronick , a child development expert and professor of pediatrics at Harvard University. He reveals that in order to favor good self-esteem and quality care in children, we must be emotionally connected with them. However, in much of his research, he was able to show that even good parents are not on the same wavelength with their children 40% of the time.

These findings may seem a little alarming to us, or we may consider them exaggerated. However, Dr. Tronick points out something that should make us reflect. The reason why many parents are not on wavelength 100% with their children’s emotional needs is because they are not with themselves either.

A parent who is full of stress and unresolved emotional knots will unknowingly send a series of signals and information to the child. The child will then also absorb this information in his own life. On top of this, if the parents themselves do not have high self-esteem, it will be difficult for the child to achieve that as well. If the child can not perceive this basis in the parents, they will not get the same security.

Family influences, but you decide

The formation of self-confidence through childhood is primarily affected by three factors. Physical appearance , our behavior and our academic performance . The way our parents handle these three dimensions can encourage us to grow in security and self-confidence. Failure to do so may lead to helplessness, loneliness, and fear.

The hardest part of all this is that we  continue to see many parents’ immaturity nonetheless. They are not aware of the problems they are causing with the language and communication style they have. Only by listening to the conversations at the school door, can we see how, without realizing it, they pluck the feathers from the confidence swings of their child one by one.

The use of comparisons

The use of comparisons and negative affirmations terribly affects a child’s self-esteem. Telling a child that they are hopeless in math or that they will never pass their exams will only cause their self-esteem to crumble. Parents who do this can not see the hidden emotional problems their children have, and they let them fall into the same abyss as they did without regard to their self-esteem.

While it is true that the family affects the formation of our self-esteem, we must also see that what happened early in our lives does not have to determine who we are for the rest of it. We have the opportunity to stop being influenced by the fact that we are driven by such low self-esteem. In our hands we have the opportunity to repair a childhood full of defects, to give us a maturity that others could not give us. We learn to get our own fuel, and to stop looking for what others can offer us. We have to work on our confidence every day. There must be a desire to change, to be brave and to love ourselves. No matter how our past has been, there is always time to change and to invest in our own self-confidence.