When “I Should … ” Control Your Life

Let go of them – let go of the tyrannical  “should have” “should have” and “would have” . They make us stumble and get in the way of our own happiness. These thoughts come up in the automatic conversations we have with ourselves, where we tell ourselves that we must be one step ahead of our lives. We undermine our own self-esteem to prioritize “I should…” over “I want…”.

This idea may surprise you. In our daily lives we are trampled on by an endless stream of obligations and responsibilities. We are social creatures. Our biggest duty is to be part of a perfect, well-oiled machine. There are inevitable consequences when we lose pace or fail to complete a task.

We know this very well. However, there is already enough external pressure on us. There is no point in adding even more destructive pressure that comes from getting stuck in your own thoughts. Sometimes we get so engrossed in “I have to try harder to prove how much I’m worth”. Or maybe, “I should have said this, not that”, or “I should have behaved differently”. But these thoughts will only lead to feelings of frustration, isolation and demotivation.

Should, could, would … Ordinary psychological tyranny

There are many different types of commitments. Those who consume us and sabotage our personality are the ones we are engulfed by. I should visit my parents, I should lose weight, I should try harder to get that promotion at work, I should be more attractive, I should have better social skills, I need this or that thing to be happy…

These thoughts turn our desires or preferences into “all or nothing” commitments and commitments.  When we fall into this should be able to trap, there are a few things that are good to keep in mind:

• First, what we do is create a fantasy about how we think things are. “I have to show that I am valuable because I need external validation and recognition.” “I have to have a nice cell phone because that’s how it works today…”.
• Secondly, we also end up focusing on the things we have not yet achieved. By doing this, we end up exploring other alternatives or realities that may be more satisfying. Why give ourselves the expectation of being thinner or having the perfect body, instead of accepting ourselves as we are?
• As a third observation, this behavior and mental focus drains both our energy and our resources. Sometimes we can even blame ourselves for not having done what we “should have” and “must have” done. It is a very sad form of self-sabotage.

How can we overcome the “I should …” obsession?

Thoughts like “I have to” and “I should have” take up mental space. In fact, an article in Psychology Today reported that these thoughts are embedded in our neural circuits. They are programmed into the deepest and most primitive parts of our brain, such as the amygdala and corpus striatum.

We have internalized some of these internal rules since childhood, always willing to “do anything” or “follow anything” that society gives us. But these rules can deprive us of all joy and freedom. Albert Ellis said that these mental tyrannies were irrational thoughts. They are ways of destroying us and wasting time and effort on meaningless, useless things that may even be beyond our control.

Below you will find some strategies to eliminate these irrational “I should have” obsessions.

This is how we can work with our self-imposed duties:

• Think more about the responsibilities that are so deeply ingrained in your head that you do not even recognize them. Sometimes our sense of duty is so automatic that we are not even aware of it. We can also forget when others (family, friends, etc.) leave these responsibilities on us.

• Confront them: “I should thank others more often, I should try harder to be like everyone else”. Do you really have to be like everyone else to be happy?
• Be aware of absolute “all or nothing” thoughts: “I should get this promotion, otherwise I’m almost unemployed.” Will the world really end if you do not get the promotion?
• Record each thought and start filtering through it: A good way to be aware of our mental focuses is to write them down. Start a diary and notice what your thoughts tell you, what your heart feels, what worries you. Two weeks later, come back to these pages and notice how you think. Maybe you can control certain thought processes.

Finally, we must accept that we have all navigated these “should have” thoughts. We do not have to remove them completely, but it is important to punch holes in them. It is about achieving the right balance between “I should have” and “I want”.