Dear Myself, I’m Sorry I Hurt You

Dear myself, I’m sorry I hurt you. Now that you’re in front of the mirror and I’m brave enough to look at you, I want you to listen to me. I have many things I need to tell you, I need to apologize for many things, and I can not continue to live as if nothing has happened. It is not fair.

I’ve tried to have this conversation with you on more than one occasion, but I was simply not ready. Fear, disappointment and suffering prevented me from coming face to face with what I have done to you over the years. Fear clung to my throat and prevented me from saying anything. I just  pretended everything was OK  and I even believed it.

Sometimes we think we are ready, we think we are strong enough and that we can handle anything, but we are just fooling ourselves. This is the problem: I was unaware of it.

Right now I can look at you and  recognize you in the mirror. Above all, I do not want to run away from you or my problems. You are no longer invisible to me. I see you, I see myself, and I see us. I have accepted us.

This recognition, this rediscovery, has made me very happy, but I still feel that something is not quite right, which prevents me from enjoying you. What is reconciliation without an excuse? I want our bond to remain strong, so I’m writing you this letter.

Forgive my misunderstandings

Dear myself, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I forgot you, I pushed you to the background, denied you existed and pretended to be something else. I know I hurt you.

Shame on you caused me a lot of pain. Furthermore  , rejection is one of the deepest wounds we can experience. I have denied for you and I have denied for myself. Denying ourselves is the worst betrayal we can expose ourselves to. It’s like we’re invisible, and it hurts!

I can not believe how much I hated us! You did everything wrong. I remember I made you doubt yourself, I made you feel guilty and helpless. I did not care if it was about your appearance, your personality or what you did. I could only barely stand with you. Just then, I thought you had nothing to offer, nothing worthy of anything.

My dear self, I’m sorry I pushed you over the edge, that I treated you badly and criticized everything you did. I know I did not treat you well. I know I was cold-hearted towards you. I’m really sorry. Instead of giving you a hug, I wanted to pull away, and it made you feel bad.

For many days I ignored you, even when you needed my help. I’m sorry I closed myself to you until I could not stand it any longer, until my heart exploded and I no longer remembered how to feel happy, calm, good. I crumbled.

Although I do not want this to happen to anyone else, it is thanks to this that I discovered that you were still there. You were waiting for me. And again, I apologize for all the pain I caused.

Dear myself, please listen to me

From now on, I want our relationship to be different. I want to protect you. That’s why I offer you a deal: let’s bet on us. Let us become one, instead of a false hero and their executioner. Let’s be partners.

I promise to listen to you, even when it hurts. Now I know you have important things to say to me. I want to help you speak louder. I want to get to know you, rediscover you, get to know every little part of you, what you are good at and what you want to do, everything.

I can not promise you that I will not hurt you again, it would be impossible. We all make mistakes, but I do not want to do anything bad on purpose. We want to be happy that we are who we are. Because after disguising myself so much, I have realized that without you, I am nobody. I’ve tasted betrayal, and it’s one of the worst I’ve ever experienced.

I want to respect you. When you feel down, I will feel empathy with you. I want to walk in your shoes, I want to try to understand you. Instead of making you feel guilty, I want to find out why. Because that’s the only way I can understand what’s going on.

Let’s make a deal

I want to embrace your fears and wounds. Everything I have been through has taught me that one cannot stop listening to the other. Being angry and hateful will only keep me away from you. It will make me feel helpless and worthless, sad, and in pain. I do not want any of us to feel this way.

Life is difficult and we will fail several times. But when you do not feel like going any further, let me walk beside you. I know I hurt and disappointed you, but let’s try again.

Let us build bridges to well-being and acceptance. I want us to be one,  for this bond between us to grow strong and fill us with peace and love. I will hold your hand and never let go.

What do you say? Do we have an agreement?