Forget It Or Learn To Live With It

Can we really forget what has hurt us? Do we forget it, or do we just put it somewhere else so we can live with it without pain? Forgetting may not be a matter of will, but it does not mean that we cannot help our memory.

We have all been in situations, relationships and times that made us happy. But there is always a time when happiness ends. Some disappear from our lives, love  is no longer there, or distance reaches us. What can we do to stop these memories from hurting?

Perhaps the first thing we need to keep in mind is that forgetting suddenly and abruptly does not work. The louder we shout that we do not want a certain memory, the more it comes to your mind again and again. The memory is there, and it will always be there. It may change shape, but it will still be present. What will be useful is to learn to live with it without causing pain.

Something that is within our power is to give a new value to this thought. We can incorporate it into our life history without causing pain.

A useful internal dialogue is as follows:  “It made me happy, I learned from everything that happened, and I want to remember the good times. If I try to forget it all, it will be even more present in my mind, and it will have more power to cause negative emotions. Everything that is a part of my past is now a part of my story, and that is why forgetting or erasing is not something I want to waste time on. ”

Talking about something is not the same as forgetting

No matter how hard we try to psychologically push away things that have caused us pain, we are unlikely to succeed. Not talking about pain, shutting ourselves off from new people, interrupting contact with someone because we resent it, or not forgiving mistakes: it’s not the same as forgetting.

Putting harmful topics on hold is also not the same as forgetting. It is simply not to express them in a healthy way. Unfortunately, they are still there. Putting them in cardboard boxes only means that we keep our memories in a place that is not safe. If we run into them, they will still hurt us.

When we forget, it does not hurt, we do not remember, and we can no longer experience what we felt in that moment. But it does not push anything aside, it completely erases it. This is an impossible task. We do not have a button in our mind that sends memories we do not want in the trash.

Instead, we must try to do what is actually within our power to do. What we can do is reflect on the value of our memory, on how we want to store it, on what it is that continues to harm us, and why it does.

You have the opportunity to process your experiences and not let them take control of you. We are more than our memories; We are the ones who give meaning to our memory. We are more than the sum of our thoughts because we are the ones who give them form.

Now it’s there, but it does not hurt

When we reflect and process it, the memory will be with us. We will remember our time with our grandparents, our first love, how we played with our friends, trips to other cities, hot summer nights… These memories are still there with me, but without being associated with negative memories. On their own, they are even more meaningful.

It does not hurt anymore. We have learned that trying to forget in a sudden and abrupt way only causes frustration. I do not want to forget the good things, only the things that hurt. This is a process that requires intelligence, time and patience.

On the other hand, the reason it hurt is that it happened and we felt it. It hurts because we live. Let’s not push it out of our minds. How about giving it a new meaning and a new place? Let it be, but take what is important, and do not let it take anything more from you. Make it a part of your story… in a new way.