The Truth Is, I Did Not Stop Loving You, I Stopped Pushing

Sometimes it’s not love, it’s patience. Yes, there is a desire to continue to attach to the cold ashes. The blank stare, the embraces that do not touch us. Eventually we get tired of pushing, our energy disappears and our hopes go up in smoke. Then the glow of our dignity is all that is left. We pick it up bit by bit, all too aware that it is not our home anymore.

It is strange that some people, when they see a professional to help them get through the painful part of a breakup, have no problem saying, “help me stop loving my ex-girlfriend, help me forget them . ” Many therapists would probably love to be able to publish this prescription. The imaginative incredible substance they could use to erase every trace of the painful love, the sad memory that clouds our days and makes our nights long.

But a good professional will know that pain is a useful form of suffering. They want to know that this slow but progressive process will help the person learn strategies to grow and manage their emotions. The comfort of forgetting would be a sterile and mostly useless resource. What is useful, however, is a kind of internal journey where you can regain your desire and desire to love again.

Because in the end, no one stops loving overnight. But what we can do is stop pushing for something that stopped being worth it a long time ago.

The two types of pain in emotional fractures

There are people who have no problem doing it over and over again: pushing to get a little more attention, pushing for thoughts, decisions, fears, joys and secrets to be shared. To push for the time they have spent together to taste like happiness and not doubt. For it to taste like real wishes and not cold, excuses, or to avoid eye contact.

In fact, we have all been this person pushing at some point in our lives.

The point when you finally understand that it is better to stop pushing is when the first pain comes. It is the beginning of a painful reality that forces us to open our eyes to what lies ahead. But it also forces us through a process.

Everything is crucial to clarify what this relationship really is and to finally end it before it ends up being a plague of meaningless suffering.

Stages of this initial pain are:

• Weakness or numbness: this refers to those situations where we never end up understanding the cause of certain reactions, the distance, our partner’s emotional coldness or the reason for their lies.
• Longing: In this second phase, it is common for someone to keep pushing. What usually comes with it is the typical distortions or self-deception: “If they do this, it is because they are stressed right now.” “They are busy, tired…” “If I were a little more caring they would love me more, and maybe be more attentive to me.”
• Acceptance is the last stage of this initial pain. It is the most important moment when the person stops pushing against what is right in front of them. Feeding hope is nothing but an obstacle, we always know that. Because it is a way of poisoning ourselves, slowly and without any purpose or logic. We can not avoid it, we just have to distance ourselves.

This is when an even more complicated phase will begin: the second pain.

I stopped pushing and got some distance, but I still love you: the other pain

When we say the last, final goodbye  and get some distance, we make room for the other pain. When it comes to something that is irreparable, hurts and kills our self-esteem, the smartest choice is distance. We’m sure of it. But what is never possible is distance without forgetting.

Just acknowledging that “it’s over and that there is nothing more that can be done,” can be helpful. But what do we do with this feeling built into us as a persistent demon?

The second pain is more complicated than the first, because if it is difficult to discover that we are not loved, or that we are “badly loved”, it is even more difficult to cleanse our wounds, survive and build ourselves up as someone who is stronger.

When we keep all this in mind, we must give emotional pain a form that meets our needs. Somewhere where our mind and our body can cry, process and acknowledge the absence of our loved one. And then we will be strong, clench our teeth, and accept our new situation. Without anger, bitterness or annoyance.

It is also an ideal moment to “push” ourselves. Although difficult in the beginning, it has now become our turn to be stubborn. Now is the time to fill ourselves with hope and new excitement. This second pain requires that we push and fight for ourselves, that we balance our memories and worries. That we find the perfect wavelength where nostalgia and dignity harmonize so that we can move forward with our heads held high.

Photos: Agnes Cecile