This Is The Main Reason For Discussions And Quarrels

A person never listens. The other starts shouting. Both accuse each other without giving any arguments. The main cause of discussions and quarrels is almost always the same, and even more so if it ends in a meaningless conflict, filled with contempt and pride. We are, of course, talking about a lack of empathy.

Let’s think for a moment about the last time we had a heated discussion. Most of the time, when we start these dynamics that come from having differences, from an attack or a critique, we aim to prove our truth. We want the other person to see our perspective and show them that they are wrong, that their perspective is wrong or unfair.

Furthermore, we often encounter another aspect: defensive behavior. Our shield unfolds and we aim to protect ourselves and attack. This is often seen in romantic relationships, in the quarrels where one or both parties begin to accuse or throw out cheap points while hiding behind the usual “victim attitude”.

We would solve these battles much faster if we practiced the magic word, empathy, more skillfully. Just trying to pay attention to the other person’s reality and understanding will humanize conflicts and make them more useful. However, we always make the same mistake. We are carried away by our emotions, and they obscure our judgment, turn off our senses and create great distances.

Lack of empathy and understanding, the main cause of discussions and quarrels

We all want to be understood. But the moment someone questions certain things about us, criticizes us or debates our “truths”, we see it as a threat. Shortly after, our razed one appears. This is an obvious imbalance in our emotional homeostasis, and it does not take long to start arguing.

If we take a quick look at the less scientific and more popular literature on conflicts, the first thing we find is the classic article How to Win a Discussion . We approach our disagreements and discussions as if they were a battlefield. We believe there must always be a winner and a loser. It is time to correct this approach.

The most common origin of discussions and quarrels does not lie in the fact that the world is filled with narcissists. This type of people can not be reasoned with and are eager to choose to start an argument. Although they exist, not all are. The main reason for our disagreements is our lack of understanding of others and the absence of genuine, practical and useful empathy.

It is very possible that you may think this is limited to quarrels with good intentions. This can be so because in life there are often quarrels that stem from injustice or from a real insult. But even in such situations , it is good to put ourselves in the other’s shoes to discover that it may not be worth arguing. It can be a waste of time.

Empathy is the best starting point in any situation. Seeing, feeling, and finding out about the other person, and then acting, is the best thing to do.

How to reach an understanding

We already know that the main cause of discussions and quarrels is the misuse of empathy. Therefore, how can we train our empathy to save ourselves from difficult situations and thus reach an agreement? Try these strategies:

• When we disagree with someone, we need to ask ourselves why we feel that way. Dive deeper into why that comment bothered you. Is it an unfair attack, or is there some truth in the criticism that you are not willing to accept?
• When we define our own emotional reality and the reason we are anxious, it is time to do the same with the other person. Make an effort to get under their skin to feel, understand and discover. Is this an insecure person and that’s why they’re attacking me? Are they angry about something I did in the past, and are therefore bitter? Was what they did / said for fear of losing me or because they want me to “wake up”?
• The third step is to compromise. Instead of letting go of our emotions, choose to control them. Guide your compromise to understanding and not placing blame or talking about past quarrels. You should also avoid actions or words that can make things worse.

We must be able to calm ourselves down. In addition, we must learn to show the other person that we are empathetic and willing to reach an agreement.

This is obviously not easy. It takes time and requires hard “inner” work. Still, it will make us enjoy our relationships much more.